Can we talk about something that’s been weighing on your heart lately? You know that gnawing feeling of guilt that creeps in when you’re juggling a million things, trying to be the best mom, partner, and professional all at once? This unrelenting voice that questions if you’re enough is also known as mom guilt.
In our quest for perfection, we are drowning in unnecessary pressure, unrealistic expectations, and inauthentic “solutions.” The supermom thing is 100% fiction, and we’ve all fallen victim to its tales of perfection and worthiness for too long.
The truth is that it’s not our failings or shortcomings we should be focusing on but those of our society and the lack of “structural and social support” at every level for burned-out moms, according to this article by Motherly (which I feel like should be required reading for all new moms, btw).
If you’ve ever felt the weight of comparison, the fear of not being enough, or the overwhelming pressure to be a supermom, trust me, this is a conversation you won’t want to miss. I’m not promising you won’t ever feel the pull down the guilt-trip highway. However, we can begin to recognize the impact of the guilt we feel, challenge the unrealistic expectations, and prioritize our well-being without sacrificing our role as loving, dedicated parents.
Unpacking the Myth of Perfect Motherhood
Let’s be honest: society has set unrealistic standards for motherhood. I’m willing to bet that if you opened your favorite social media platform right now, you’d find at least half of the following:
- Picture-perfect images of motherhood
- New and shiny “must-have” products for development, safety, and sustainability
- A never-ending parade of expert advice and unsolicited opinions
- An infinite well of (often contradictory) information available 24/7 at our fingertips
In a world that constantly bombards us with unattainable ideals of motherhood everywhere we look, it’s no wonder we grapple with the infamous mom guilt.
Each of us has our unique circumstances, strengths, and challenges. Being a good mom is not about ticking off a checklist or meeting someone else’s standards. It’s about showing up for our kids, loving them fiercely, and creating a nurturing environment where they can grow and thrive.
You don’t need to pay hundreds of dollars to get perfectly curated, eco-friendly, developmentally appropriate toys delivered to your house to do that. Full disclosure: we have many of those toys at our house, and the most played-with, adored toy in our house will forever be an oversized box. And also the entire contents of the Tupperware cabinet. IYKYK!
Redefining standards: know your worth
Your worth as a mom is not determined by how well you adhere to some arbitrary standard. If the momfluencers you follow make you feel ashamed or question your choices as a mother, it’s time to find new internet friends. The internet is a great place to get ideas, research, and feel connected. But to moms, that often means a never-ending list of projects to do, research-backed strategies to implement, and constantly comparing ourselves to other moms that seem to have their sh*t together.
Don’t get me wrong—my Pinterest boards are just as full of toddler activities, recipes for picky eaters, and home organization “hacks” as the next Mama’s, but let’s see it for what it is: ideas. Not requirements. Not pre-requisites. Just ideas. After carefully considering your unique circumstances, you can choose whether to bring those ideas into your house and family.
The first step to letting go of the mom guilt is recognizing it for what it is: damaging expectations, arbitrary standards, and an incomplete picture of reality. Let’s make our new goal to embrace a more compassionate and realistic perspective on motherhood. To create space for imperfection and understand that being a good mom doesn’t mean being flawless—it means being present, loving, and doing your best.
Sidenote: In the past few years, more authentic Mamas have made their presence known online and advocated for a more realistic and honest portrayal of motherhood. These women inspired me to be vulnerable, show up as my Authentically Imperfect self, and create this space. So many amazing women are doing beautiful things for mamas worldwide by sharing modern motherhood’s raw, unfiltered truths.
Practicing Self-Care
Fact: Taking care of yourself is crucial for well-being and being a present and effective parent.
One key to overcoming mom guilt is to prioritize self-care. It is easy to get caught up in the endless cycle of caring for everyone else’s needs while neglecting our own, especially with small children who depend on you for their every need. But as we are often reminded, we cannot pour from an empty cup.
About a year ago, when my kids were 3, and 1 (x2 because…..twins), I hit a wall. Not for the first time since becoming a mom, and most definitely not the last. What was different about this burnout was that something shifted inside me. I could not keep going at the rate I was going without completely losing my mind. I was done prioritizing everyone else’s needs and pushing my needs so far down that I didn’t even know what I wanted or needed anymore. I just knew something had to change.
I was carrying the mental load for our family, neglecting my needs, passions, and health, fighting with my husband regularly, and losing it on my kids a lot (triggering ALL the guilt). After a healthy dose of soul-searching and getting honest about what lit me up, brought me peace, and made me feel whole, I slowly developed some non-negotiable “me-time” rituals.
After a few weeks of trial and error, I established an evening wind-down routine that I looked forward to every night. The results were remarkable. I felt less anxious, had more patience with my kids, and could physically feel myself unwinding each night. Did it solve all my problems? No. Have I stuck to it for the last six months? Not consistently. But I have made a commitment to that hour for myself. Whether it’s an at-home facial, bingeing my favorite show, or even going to bed early, I’ve made it a priority.
So, Mama, it’s time to put yourself first. Don’t feel guilty about it. Start small, finding moments throughout your day to recharge and nourish yourself with something just for you, whether it’s a podcast or spicy audiobook on the way to pick up the kids, practicing mindfulness, or indulging in a hobby you used to love. You deserve it.
Self-care is not selfish or a luxury—it’s an essential part of being a resilient and loving human. If you’re looking for more self-care or don’t know where to start, stay tuned! I’ve got a new blog post coming, AND we are working on our FREE Blissful Mama Toolkit to help you recharge, renew, and prioritize your well-being!
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SHIFTING PERSPECTIVE: QUALITY OVER QUANTITY
Success is often measured by numerical achievements, but when it comes to parenting, the quality of time spent with our children is more important than the quantity. Being present and engaged during our time with our kids is like a currency: The more you put in, the more you will all get out of the interactions.
Research advocates for uninterrupted, quality time with your kids to positively impact their emotional development. Spending more time with your kids isn’t beneficial if you’re sacrificing your well-being. Prioritizing meaningful connections and being fully present during those precious moments counts. The love and attention you pour into those special moments matter more, and your presence, no matter how long or short, is deeply cherished by your children.
Setting Boundaries and Saying No
Mom guilt often arises due to the feeling that we must always agree to every request and obligation. We often find ourselves pulled in various directions, trying to juggle everything and satisfy everyone’s needs. We think we should be able to do it all because that’s what is expected of us. We wonder why we can’t be like Supermom who could do it all.
No wonder guilt creeps in when we can’t be everywhere or do everything at once! It’s unrealistic to believe that you (as amazing and wonderful as you are) can meet the needs of everyone in your life while maintaining healthy boundaries.
Here’s the truth: setting boundaries is crucial for your well-being and enables you to show up as the best version of yourself for your children. When you establish boundaries, you acknowledge your needs and desires, creating an environment where you feel respected, valued, and safe. This fosters a healthier balance in your life and prevents burnout. Additionally, you can create a positive ripple effect that affects your family dynamics. You create an environment where everyone knows what to expect and feels safe to grow as a family in mutual respect and love.
That sounds fantastic, right? But how do you do it? This is a tough one, particularly if you’re the people-pleasing type. It’s me, I’m the problem, it’s me! Here’s the deal: you can’t set boundaries until you know what you need. Take some time to consider what is genuinely important to you, what you need more or less of, and what would allow you to carve out some time for yourself. Make a list, double-check it, and then communicate it to the people who can help support you.
Also? Delegate, delegate, delegate. You can’t (and shouldn’t) do everything. Think about a few small tasks you could delegate to someone else that would free up some time for yourself. Every little bit counts!
TLDR...
Mama, let’s rewrite the rules of motherhood together. In case no one has told you today: You are enough, and your well-being matters. By setting boundaries, prioritizing self-care, and focusing on quality over quantity, you can overcome mom guilt and create a more balanced and fulfilling motherhood journey. No one else has the same beautiful, messy, perfectly imperfect life that you do – you’re already living your own unique story. Trust that and tune out all that extra noise that makes you doubt yourself or your abilities as a parent.
Sources:
Milkie, M. A., Nomaguchi, K. M., & Denny, K. E. (2015). Does the Amount of Time Mothers Spend With Children or Adolescents Matter? Journal of Marriage and Family, 77(2), 355-372. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12170
Tenety, E., & Tenety, E. (2022, July 18). Mom guilt is a symptom of a much deeper problem. Motherly. https://www.mother.ly/life/motherly-stories/mom-guilt-problem/
What perfectionism is and isn’t – according to Brené Brown. Jane Taylor | Realignment and Wellbeing Coaching | Life Coaching | Gold Coast. (2023, January 6). https://www.habitsforwellbeing.com/what-perfectionism-is-and-isnt-according-to-brene-brown/
Winning the toddler stage. Winning the Toddler Stage – Big Little Feelings – Happy Parents, Happy Toddlers. (n.d.). https://biglittlefeelings.com/course?gad=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwkeqkBhAnEiwA5U-uM34fuxGjf86Ni_X1FxI3oc_NMvtxZWBg2_ZO1t288Los9C5xUQADXhoC_z8QAvD_BwE
